A Total Loser

If you're like me, you probably spend most of your time on Facebook, Twitter or some other mind numbing social network. You don't know why you do it, you just do. You tell yourself you're going to do a quick check of updates and important messages and 4 hours later, you're watching a Bad Lip Reading video of Obama and it's almost time for dinner. You have no idea where the time went or how it got there but you know it's gone and you can never get it back. You want to change this awful habit but you just don't know how. You find yourself wading through pages and pages of self help sites, forums, motivational speeches and weight loss techniques. You want drive, you want passion. You want to feel alive and free to do the things you want to do. You don't even know what you want to do but you want to know that you have the freedom to go find it, should you ever realize what it is. You feel empty and alone and no amount on consoling from your family, friends or partner can fill the void, within. 

I know because I've been there. In fact, I am there right now, still trying to realize what it is exactly that I want. I feel like a total loser and a failure at life, which is what sparked the creation of this blog.  I don't want to be a loser at life. I wan't to be a loser of weight and a winner at life. You won't know until you try, they say. Try, try, try again and if you fail, try some more. I had an epiphany. What if you don't want any ONE thing? What if you just want to be happy? What if everything else follows once you cross that bridge? So, I pondered this epiphany for awhile. I don't know what I want to do in college or for a career. I stopped going to college because I didn't know what I wanted. I felt bad because I didn't know and my fears kept me from trying to find out. I tried several hobbies, growing up but nothing ever stuck, except for singing and when you become unhappy, so do your songs. I lost myself in a sea of misery, on a sail boat, with no wind to even put in my sails, should I feel the urge to explore. I was stuck. When you are little, you think you have all the answers. Your teachers would ask, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" You'd say, "A princess! A rock star! A firefighter!" We all had those dreams, as children. But what comes after that and how do you get to that point? You have to live for it. You have to represent it and nurture it and how can you do that if you aren't even happy to begin with? 

That's when I realized what it means when something has to come from "within." Ever heard the phrase, "You can never truly love anything if you don't love yourself first?" I always thought that was the biggest load of crap. I don't have to like myself to like my partner. My morning mood swings do not determine the amount of love I have for my child. I don't need to cherish and adore myself in order to cherish and adore others...but it's true. How can you truly see from your partner's eyes, what they see in you, when you can't even see it for yourself? How can you appreciate those bright eyes and tiny hands that greet you every morning, if you don't even know what is to be appreciated? I've realized that loving myself, IS loving those who love me and anything less, is selfish. So, I am going to fall in love with myself. I'm going to search my soul and my heart for all of the things that make me, me and I'm going to pull them out one by one, analyze them to the core and adore them just like my daughter does, just like my parents do and just like Mike does. Happiness is a product of love and love is a product of happiness and the rest will just fall into place. 

So, no, I don't have any grand aspirations like I did when I was a child. I don't want to be the next Britney Spears or Christina Aguilara anymore. I don't want to be the next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg. I just want to wake up, feel good, feel alive, look in the mirror and be proud of who is staring back at me and this is where it starts. 

Accomplishments:

Today's the day! I'll be honest, I got up this morning, completely dreading the task at hand but after a bottle of water, a glimmer of pride in my fiance's eyes, and a determination that suddenly hit me when I looked in the mirror, I got dressed and headed out the door, ready to face the day and my fears. We were going to have lunch at McDonald's, but when Mike realized the mistake he was making, he quickly offered to take us to Subway, instead. I had a Monterrey chicken melt with all of the veggies I could fit on that poor baguette. I also limited myself to half of a cookie, which I did not finish. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. I decided that I'd give myself 30 mins to allow my food to settle and get right into my new workout. 

I accomplished my 30 minute workout routine, (+ 5 for stretching) which consisted of some stretching, some cardio, and some Yoga. I apparently need to eat more than 2,250 calories but less than 2,700 a day, according to my BMR and TDEE. So, it was 20 minutes on the treadmill and I split the other parts up in 5 minute increments. 
Speed on treadmill: between 1.5 and 4. 
Walk- 15 mins
Stretching - 5 mins
Crunches, leg lifts, arm lifts, squats, - 10 
Yoga- 5 mins.
I feel great and I can't wait for tomorrow's workout! 

Thought for the day:

~No matter how slow you're going, you're still doing laps over the people on the couch~